The Adventures of Chris

I spent today cleaning my closets out and I’ve realized that I’ve got enough clothing donations to clothe a small village or town. Attention Mayors/Town and Village Leaders! Ask yourself these questions:

- Is your town one major fashion trend behind (hint: are 95 pound kids in your town convinced that they fit size large at the Gap? Do kids actually seek out clothes by No Fear and B.U.M. Equipment?)

- Do your townspeople have huge heads and thick necks so that they can take advantage of the stretched out necks that you can only get from hanging a shirt on a hanger for years?

- Do you hear kids in your town whining that what they really want for Christmas are t-shirts in size XL or XXL, commonly given out at job fairs or as part of a organization’s promotional activities?

- Do you hear men in your town complaining that they can’t find a good pair of pleated khakis with cuffs at the bottom, or a good pair of carpenter jeans?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can clothe your people.

A few months ago, just the thought of getting engaged overwhelmed me. I got flustered just thinking about diamonds and ring sizes, finding a great place to propose, and thinking of a great way to propose. It never occurred to me that the engagement process would be so much more than that, but for Taiwanese people, it’s a lot more than the 4 C’s and getting down on one knee at sunset. There’s a traditional and somewhat corny engagement party, which Susan and I just wrapped up last Sunday.

It all started at 1130, where my family (of 4) rolled up to Susan’s house and met with my aunt and uncle (for a total of 6). Even numbers are lucky, but 6 is very lucky, so we had to have 6 people. I rang the doorbell while lugging, with my crew of 6, thirty-eight engagement cakes (aka “dah bing”) and six additional engagement gifts. Upon entry, my brother, playing the role of “matchmaker” (see above: corny) had to “formally introduce” my family to Susan’s parents. Then Susan’s dad had to “formally introduce” Susan’s family to mine. Then my dad had to “formally mention” the “purpose” of the visit. Then Susan had to come in and serve tea to my crew of 6. Then my each member of my crew gave Susan a red envelope. Then I had to tell Susan’s parents that I brought six gifts and engagement cakes for them. Then I had to ask Susan’s dad if it was ok if I put the ring on Susan’s finger. Then I had to put the ring on Susan’s finger, but not too fast. Then we went to lunch at a Chinese restaurant. Then we put on Indian headdresses and danced around in a circle, chanting, with our arms locked. Ok, that last thing didn’t happen, but everything else did.

I have to admit that I didn’t handle the planning process all that well. I was bothered by a number of things - the corniness of certain traditions, the constantly changing list of traditions we had to adhere to, the numerous hours we spent/wasted on finding a pink dress, and most of all, the lack of control. But, I have to say - there’s something pretty extraordinary about being surrounded by people who genuinely care about you and are genuinely happy for you. I realized that between 1130am and 3pm on Sunday. At lunch, Susan’s dad probably summed it up best when he said that the engagement party was important to him because he felt that an occasion that happy shouldn’t be taken too lightly, and that it was important to share that moment with the important people in your life because they’re the ones who do so much for you throughout life.  Wise words, I know.  But that’s why he’s a dad, and I’m just a kid.

Here’s a picture of my gift wrap job on Susan’s six gifts. I spent a while on the wrapping, partly because I secretly really enjoy wrapping gifts, and partly because it was the only part of this process that I had any control over. I chose the wrapping paper, ribbon, and red paper roses because Taiwanese tradition mandates that gift wrap must have red on it. BUT, when I got home, I realized the paper had red and pink flowers, so I got back into the car and drove back to Michael’s, just to buy a pack of pink paper roses so the flowers would match the wrap. That…is a sign of a guy who’s spent just a few too many hours thinking about pink dresses and dah bing.

Movie

- Saw Knocked Up. I liked it. Its quality was more readily apparent than The 40 Year Old Virgin, which I wasn’t wowed by when I first saw it (but when I saw it again, I was a lot more impressed with it.) While 40YOV had the more novel storyline (in my opinion), Knocked Up had a more constant stream of quality jokes. Knocked Up wins because of Paul Rudd’s character and the general portrayal of his marital situation, which I thought was almost perfectly done.

Food

- Although I thought it was spelled Beowulf, Bay Wolf in Oakland is good. They serve a lot of duck. The appetizer with the duck and cheese puffs was something I could see myself wanting to get every once in a while.

- Chez Papa in SF is pretty good, and the $25 early bird prix fixe is definitely worth it. It helps to think of the $25 as being allocated this way - $9 for the appetizer, $14 for the main course, $2 for the dessert.

- Seared Ahi Salad and Blueberry Scones, courtesy of Tyler Florence’s instruction and our labor. The ahi salad was pretty solid, although we bought the wrong shape of ahi steak. The scones were better than the average scone that you’d find. I didn’t get to use the Kitchenaid because the recipe didn’t require it, but I did get to use a pastry blender for the first time. Why is it called a pastry “blender?” It made me think there would be moving parts.

Shopping

- I can’t remember when I’ve done so much hard-core shopping while looking for one particular item. It’s amazing how shopping works. The harder you try to find the perfect thing, the more impossible it becomes to find. At certain moments, you start thinking that you’ll never find what you want. And, of course, we all know the one time you go to the mall looking for a gift for someone else is the time you find the perfect item for yourself.

- I’m still not sure how a guy should respond if he’s asked by a girl what dress he’d buy for himself if he was the one wearing it.

- If I were rich, I’d want to have a lot of watches. It’s too bad though, since I don’t have a good wrist for watches.

- I bought my first pair of Ecco shoes. You can tell that my brother and I are getting older now. I bought a pair of Ecco’s and he bought a pair of Clarks the other day.

- I revisited the fact that I’ve got an almost subconscious affinity towards certain brand names. I prefer Hondas over Toyotas just because my parents always bought Hondas. I bought a Nikon DSLR instead of a Canon mostly because of my memories of my dad toting around his Nikon film SLR on our family vacations. I also realized that someday I want to get an Omega watch, because my dad and my grandfather each have one. James Bond also wears an Omega, but I’m fairly sure he just bit off my grandfather.

Celebrity Sightings

I stood next to Judy Reyes (Carla) of Scrubs at the Burbank Airport. She was trying repeatedly to call someone on her cell phone the whole time. The funny thing about celebrities is that I’m less inclined to talk to celebrities whose work I actually like. I think I’m afraid that they’ll be jerks and that will taint my impression of them in the future.

Music I Like Right Now

The National - Apartment Story

Shout Out Louds - Impossible

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Sealings

I got a Canon close up lens, so I tried it out at dinner today. The lighting was great. I realized that these photos with less focus on the edges, look more like magazine photos, but in terms of detail, aren’t that much better than the macro mode on digital point and shoots.

The last three photos of the set aren’t real dishes. I tried to mock fine dining dishes by putting together “original dishes”…with table scraps. Anyone for “Mushroom with Glazed Carrot and Shrimp Chip?”

I’ve burned quite a few cd-r’s and dvd’s, and as a result, I have a lot of cd spindles. I feel really bad about throwing them away, since it seems like they take up so much space and will inevitably take a billion years to break down*.

The problem is, I couldn’t really think of too many uses for the spindles, so I looked it up online.

The most popular reference is this, the bagel sandwich holder**

followed by the toilet paper dispenser (which apparently allows you to save money on kleenex in exchange for weird looks from others):

followed by the headphone wall hook

Some other ideas:

- a dispenser for duct tape (cutting a slit in the side and running the tape out of it)
- potted plant holder
- general food container (used upside down)
- coin/paper clip holder

I’m trying to think of other ideas.

* I checked, and the type of plastic (polypropylene) isn’t one that is recycled by most plastic recycling places.
** I checked, and polypropylene is food-safe.

I’ve commenced a half-assed internet job search. Applying for jobs through online classifieds can be really demoralizing, especially if you’re looking for your first attorney job. 90% of firms want people with prior experience, 30% of that 90% are looking for people only from “top law schools” with “top grades.” Still, there are some pretty amusing job postings up. Some of my favorites:

“Attorney Wanted: Strong knowledge of MS Word, Excell with excellent organizational skills, and attention to details essential. Some office management/phone duties may be required.”

Notes: Excel is spelled wrong; anytime an ad for an attorney mentions a Microsoft Office program, it’s a bad sign; any mention of office management/phone duties is also a very bad sign

“Attorney wanted. Send resume.”

Notes: Let’s see…no info on the name of the place, where it is, what kind of law they do, what they pay…SIGN ME UP!

“Very aggressive plaintiff injury attorney seeks entry level associate.”

Notes: Most lawyers are aggressive enough. Very aggressive means borderline crazy.

“Quality work is required.”

Notes: Sounds good, but, when you think about it, spelling it out just means that it’s not the norm there.

“Experience not neccessary. Spanish a big plus but not mandatory. Working and getting along with people in oftentimes desperate circumstances - but you are there to help… ”

Notes: Necessary is spelled wrong; “desperate circumstances” sounds scary; and why is there an ellipsis at the end of the entry? It’s one thing to say “you are there to help.” but it’s another thing to say “you are there to help…” It’s like they want you to fill in the blank. You are there to help…unless the client kills you first. You are there to help…even if it’s 11pm at night and a client gets a hold of your cell number. You are there to help…FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

I’ll keep looking.

- Are movies on VHS worth anything to anyone now that DVDs are cheaply and readily available? For instance, I found a VHS copy of “Face Off.” Great movie, but you can get that on DVD for five bucks.

- Is there a point to keeping school notes unless they’re from coursework that is directly relevant to your current job? Even then, will you ever really refer to them?

- My greatest annoyance - small items that you don’t want to get rid of, yet don’t know how to categorize. They inevitably end up being placed in some box that you won’t find until the next time you clean your house.

- My old desktop computer is so obsolete that it’s not even worth $1 to someone now, nor will anyone even take it as a donation. I feel so bad about dumping it, not for sentimental reasons, but because it’s just going to sit somewhere at a dump for the next billion years.

- Is anyone else like me, where they have a box of extra wallet size photos of themselves from school?

- If high school wasn’t your final educational endeavor, is there any real point to keeping your high school diploma, besides sentimentality? I mean, if I apply for an attorney position, is the employer going to ask to see to see my high school diploma as proof I graduated high school?

- A few years ago, I had a $3 credit at Best Buy that was expiring. I didn’t want to spend any of my own money on something, so I bought a hard, square, plastic 32-CD case. I’ve never opened it and every time I clean the house, I keep being reminded that, at this point, I’d pay someone $3 to take it off my hands.

- I’m sure there are some solutions for this, but it’s insane how many wires are required for computers, monitors, printers, etc. It’s really hard to mask all of the wires, and the bunches of wires always make a room look uglier.

- I’ll never be able to get rid of my old video game systems as long as they’re operational. I honestly believe that I’m going to want to play Duck Hunt and Contra (NES), EA’s NHL Hockey (Genesis), F-Zero (Super NES), Super Mario Kart (Gamecube), and Bust a Move (Playstation) at least once a year for the rest of my life.

- Textbook companies should be forced to accept old versions of textbooks that are sent back to them. I know they’re useless so I don’t want any money. I just want the companies to have to deal with what to do with them.

Last week, in my desperation to avoid boredom at jury duty, I purchased the latest issue of Esquire. This issue, with Jeremy “Ari Gold” Piven on the cover, is lauded as “The Most Useful Issue Ever.” I

Things I learned from this issue:

- Navy blue suits are coming back in. When I was 15, my dad took me to C&R to get a suit, insisting against my protests that it be navy blue. My dad was thirteen years too early I guess.

- You only need three ties to survive - a dark stripe, a bright solid, and a subtle pattern.

- They dub a PG rated version of every episode of Entourage so it can be syndicated for regular cable. This means that Jeremy Piven has to record an extra set of dubbed dialogue that replaces every “f*cking” with “friggin.” If you’ve never seen Entourage, that’s a lot of friggins.

- Statistically, the best way to win a 1-time duel in rock paper scissors is to purposely throw your hand late, “beating” your opponent (i.e. you throw rock, he throws scissors). Apologize for the late throw and offer to try again. More often then not, the opponent supposedly will use reverse psychology and use the same throw again. So, more often then not, you’ll win by using the same throw again.

- The reason that people put steaks on black eyes is not because the steak itself has curative powers. The steak, coupled with a bag of ice on it, works to evenly distribute cold pressure onto a bruise. A steak is ideal because it conforms to the eye area and is perfect for allowing just enough cold to disperse comfortably, yet effectively. It also works much better if you tenderize it first.

- Every issue of Esquire will include at least one photo of a girl in lingerie. Don’t open to that page when sitting next to the white, retired female juror sitting next to you.

1) After years of covering the same subject matter on the bar exam, the State Bar of California just added a few new subjects for upcoming exam. This means that all of the July 2006 bar passers were the last group to successfully resell their study materials for hundreds of dollars. February 2007 bar test takers (myself included) are the first to offer to trade all of their study materials for a bag of Corn Nuts.

2) A while back, I bought a wireless internet browser for my Nintendo DS Lite. Back then, it cost $40 and was only available in Japan (and in Japanese). They just came out with the browser in the U.S. For $30. In English.

3) While eating dinner, I dropped one tiny piece of ground beef onto my shirt. Because it was so small, I didn’t see it. It sat there. It left a oil stain three times its size.

4) While cleaning my room, I found a card that a co-worker gave me on my last day of work. Inside it was a gift card to Tower Records. The now defunct Tower Records.

btw, I forgot to mention that Tower online only takes Visa and Mastercard as payment. No mention of gift cards.

“Screaming and crying, Paris Hilton was escorted from a courtroom and ordered back to jail.”

“”It’s not right!” shouted Hilton, who violated her probation in a reckless driving case. “Mom!” she called out to her mother in the audience.”

That mom thing…you couldn’t imagine something greater than that.