The Adventures of Chris

…is that Kid Rock’s real name is Bob Ritchie.

I just re-read my last entry.  It depressed me.  When I wrote it, I wasn’t really writing it from within a depressed state of mind, but it sure sounded like it.  Not that I’m jumping around for joy, but I’m also not standing on the edge of a cliff with a suicide note either.
In other news:

- I saw Borat a little while ago.  I thought the movie wasn’t as funny as his sketches.  I think Borat’s kind of humor doesn’t really require any sort of continuity.  In fact, I think it sometimes hinders it.  Overall, I still think that Ali G and Borat are hilarious characters.

- I finally read Freakonomics (it was sitting on my bookshelf for at least 2 years).  I liked it.  It was written in a way that I wish most things were explained to me.  This isn’t to say that I believe every assertion made in the book, but I really like it when proof is laid out logically.  Sure, the “logic” might be based on erroneous standards, but hey, at least the logical flow is there.  Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t do better in my college stats class. I really do like statistics.  For me, there’s so much value in them.

- At work, there is a food place owned by a Korean couple.  The man likes to learn all of his customers’ names and address them personally when they order.  I know he thinks that this is a good business practice, and most people probably enjoy it, but it kind of throws me off.  The other day, I went with a co-worker to get lunch there.  The man looks at me and asks me how my ham and egg croissant breakfast sandwich was yesterday.  I say “uh, it was good…thanks.”  The next day, my co-worker laments to me that the man now knows her name because I addressed her by name while we were waiting for our food the previous day.  Then I had to go back with the co-worker and loudly address her by a different, fake name, just to throw him off.  It’s such a hassle.
- The more I think about it, the more I think the episode before last of the Office was really great.  I watched it again and was laughing at so many parts.
- I’m glad Scrubs is starting this week.

- I saw this TV show this weekend called “Cheaters.”  The show, as the name implies, consists of camera crew spying on a guy/girl who is suspected of cheating on his/her significant other.  Then, after doing their recon work, they ambush the cheater, catching him/her in the act.  It’s really low class TV, but it sure was entertaining.

- I haven’t been able to listen to much new music recently.  I can say that Gwen Stefani’s new song hurts me.
- I didn’t really get a full Thanksgiving meal this year because our family outing was cut short by my mom’s work obligations.  I didn’t even eat any turkey or pie.

- I did, however, get to eat a slab of that Chinese sponge cake with the light-as-air whipped cream and fruit filling.  Next time I go to Monterey Park, I’m getting an entire cake and eating half of it in one sitting.  I don’t care if it sounds gross to anyone.  It’s a dream of mine and I’m going to make it happen.

- - I bought a box of Pepperidge Farm cookies.  They always make me feel classy.  I got the “Distinctive Golden Orchard Cookie Collection.”  It’s not just a regular Golden Orchard Cookie Collection.  It’s Distinctive.

I had a dream the other night. I went to a party which was held for a victorious political candidate that I knew. The party was held at around 12pm, and, although I had a job interview at 3pm, I figured I would just wear a suit to the party, and then go to the job interview afterwards. It turned out that I missed my job interview because robbers broke into the mansion where the party was being held, and held everyone hostage for hours. I missed my job interview, and I spent the rest of the dream trying to get it back.

That was a pretty literal dream with very literal symbolism. The “job interview” was my shot at becoming a bar-certified lawyer. The “robbers” were the California State Bar.

I haven’t blogged for a while partly because I’ve been super busy, but also partly because I’ve been doing some damage control. I found out I failed the bar last weekend and it’s been an interesting sequence of events ever since.

I got the news last Friday. At first, I really didn’t feel that bad about it. I’d been working at a law firm for a few weeks now, and the work hadn’t done much to contradict my belief that being a practicing lawyer really isn’t that much fun. I knew that there were some tough parts on the bar exam, and while I was hoping I’d pass, I knew that it definitely was not a sure thing. So after finding out, I went along and enjoyed my Friday and Saturday. It wasn’t weighing on my mind.

Then, Sunday night, the weight of the reality started coming down on me. In particular, the reality of going to work, where everyone not only knew that the bar results came out, but that I also hadn’t passed (the list is public). To make matters worse, the other two students working at the firm had passed, completing the very awkward situation. I didn’t really sleep much that night.

Monday was probably one of the worst days I’ve had in recent memory. I had told the other student (one was on vacation) not to feel awkward about talking about the bar, but of course it was still awkward. It was also tough to hear everyone congratulate her in hushed voices. I don’t really remember what I did during the first few hours of Monday. I was too busy trying to ignore the gnawing feeling in my stomach. I only started getting back my bearings in the middle of the day with some things I was working on. Monday also reminded me of my disdain for cliches that are meant to console. Yes I know the bar is a tough test. Yes I know only half the people pass. Yes, I know JFK Jr. failed it three times. All I want to say in return is that JFK Jr. crashed a plane too, and knowing that wouldn’t make me feel better about crashing my own.

Over the course of the week, I tried to chart out my next six months. The thing is, the actual retaking of the exam isn’t that tough for me to stomach (I actually think that I learned a lot while studying for the bar.) It’s tough to stomach the idea that my life could possibly be set back for six months because of one test. While I wouldn’t categorize my life as one that has been filled with sterling successes, it has generally gone according to a preconceived timeline. This is probably one of the only deviations from that timeline, but with a lot of other things to consider at this time of my life, it wasn’t an opportune time for such a deviation.

I think I’ve got a lot of difficult decisions ahead of me. One of my biggest concerns is whether I want to really be a practicing attorney. Obviously everyone who invests in something wants to reap a direct benefit from that investment. In this case, the direct benefit would be practicing law. The problem is, I’m fairly sure I really don’t want to be a lawyer for the rest of my life, and I have a problem doing something, knowing that I’m going to want to quit it in the imminent future. Wouldn’t it be better to not waste my time? There is a lot more that goes into this, but the aforementioned dilemma is what matters.

My second dilemma was deciding whether I wanted to take the bar exam again, and if so, if I was taking the retaking the exam for the right reasons. I figured, if I don’t want to be an attorney, why take the exam? But then the rational part of me weighed in and said that taking the exam again now makes the most sense. My memory of both legal principles and the bar exam itself is still relatively fresh. Plus, the upcoming bar exam is the last one before California adds a few more items to the exam. Then the competitive part of me kicks in, reminding me that I probably would want a second shot at anything that I didn’t succeed at the first time. But is that enough? I realized that the answer is, invariably, yes. But, it’s an interesting paradox in that my interest in passing the bar is now less, but my determination in atoning for the failure itself is so high.

In the meantime, I’ve started looking at other options that are non-legal. I’ve always been the kind of person that tries to set out a lot of options for myself. I always thought of that as a positive thing, but actually, I’m starting to realize it’s just a means of avoiding having to make difficult decisions. I’m always hoping that the options choose me, instead of vice versa. While that works sometimes, there are some situations where only the latter is appropriate. I’m not sure if this is one of those situations.

Now, a week later, I’ve started to almost become philosophical about the whole experience. At first, I was really angry because I’d lost my only chance to pass the bar on the first try. I really pained me knowing that I’d forever be a first time failure, and no subsequent passage would erase that label. I keep asking myself if I didn’t try hard enough or if I took passage for granted. Honestly, I don’t really know. All I know is that I’ve been humbled and I’m going to carry this failure around with me for a long time.  I guess this was one of those things that is supposed to happen, and all you can do is try to take something from it.

If anyone needs to find me, I’ll be in Ontario on February 27-March 1, 2007.

It’s 11:42pm now and even though I’m pretty tired, I’m just loving the idea that I don’t need to wake up before 7am tomorrow. I can’t even believe I’ve been able to wake up before 7am this long. Seriously, I don’t think I’ve done that since high school.

My hair was a really good length for a few days. Not too short as to be sticking in all the wrong directions, but not too long to make me look like a werewolf.

I’m annoyed at the mens’ bathroom at my workplace. There are two stalls, but one of them is near the door and the layout is such that everyone who enters can see right through the crack in the door to see who’s on the can.

I thought the last episode of The Office was entertaining. Steve Carell’s pained smile while biting his lip was so damn classic. I’m sorry that Jim’s white guy co-worker Andy isn’t going to be on the show anymore. That actor was great at playing that character. I don’t really think the new girl that’s coming back to Scranton with Jim is that great. She tries to smirk but it looks like she’s in pain when she does it. It’s good that they contrasted her with Pam. Pam’s white. New girl is half black. Good one. And finally, I just mapquested it, and Stamford is 148.77 miles away from Scranton. I really had no idea how far those two places were.

I just saw a montage of Star Wars clips on HBO that was set to Coldplay’s “Fix You.” I couldn’t believe it, and by that, I mean those two things can’t go together.
The Playstation 3 was released in Japan. An excerpt from the news release: “The enthusiasm was so great, clerks with megaphones asked the crowd to stop pushing, warning that all sales would end if there were any injuries.”

imworkingsomuchnowthatibarelyhaveenoughtimetoeatsleepblogorusespacesinthisentry.

After three days of work, here’s the breakdown:
Good Things

- Feeling productive. I feel like I’m back to being a member of the “real world” where things are getting produced. At the age of 28, staying at home all day with your dad, with the highlight of the day being a trip to the post office, isn’t a really full life.

- I like being able to apply some of my legal knowledge to real world problems. It makes me feel like I learned something real during my last three years. Plus, I’m also applying an alarming amount of bar exam-related information, which is surprising.

- I get my own office with a door that I can close. This is actually pretty neat.

- I get a computer that was built rather recently. This is pretty nice too.

- I get parking paid for, which is something I never had as a nonpaid intern, student, or worker.

Bad Things

- The drive. The drive to LB, at about 1 hour each way (even as a reverse commute), is really far. I know by L.A. standards, this isn’t that bad, or that uncommon, but for me, it’s something new. Getting up at 6:30 just to make it into the office at 8:30 stinks. Facing an hour drive home after a long day of work stinks. I tried to convince myself that this LB drive isn’t much worse than the 30-40 minute morning drive to downtown that I used to make. The problem is, the drive to downtown sometimes took less time. I really dislike the feeling of absolutely having to wake up at 6:30 in order to make it in at 8:30. Also, the drive home from downtown at night, after 6pm or so, isn’t really that bad at all, whereas the LB drive home is usually still an hour. Plus, my nightmare is that I remember something I left at work after I’ve driven 3/4 of the way home already.

- Being micromanaged. This is my first stint working at a for-profit firm, meaning that there is a strong emphasis on billing time. I knew this was going to be the case, but always knowing that your time (down to a quarter hour) is always being accounted for makes the day seem a lot more stressful. My post-college job was a lot more enjoyable in the sense I was salaried and we had accounts and tasks to take care of, but not particular increments of time to always manage. In a way, it’s like the billing sheet, not the project, micromanages me now.

- The scut work. One lawyer in particular loves giving out really shitty scut work to do. Since I’m the lowest rung, guess who’s one of her favorite targets? I actually considered quitting during one of the stupid tasks I had to do this week. Hint: it involved an underground storage area.

- Paperwork. There’s tons of it.

- The speed. The process of law moves really slowly.

- The menial tasks. Legal practice includes a lot of them. Being at a small firm, there isn’t a lot of support staff to do that stuff. So that means I’m doing that stuff.

- The lack of personality variation. The firm itself is small, so there aren’t many co-workers. I miss being in a big company, with a lot of different departments and people to talk to. I obviously knew this firm was small coming in, but I didn’t realize I’d miss the variation that much.

- The lack of spare time. I have no time or energy to do anything other than get up, drive to work, work, drive home, eat something, then go to sleep. It’s a really pathetic existence. I don’t think I’m that lazy a person, but I just think that doing only one thing every day, for days, weeks, and months in a row, doing nothing else, is really boring.

- I’m underpaid. For work I’m doing now.

- The fatigue. The combination of the billing stress and the long drives is pretty draining.
Summary

Some of the negatives, like the drive, the hours, and the scut work, are more about getting back into the work state of mind so I think they might somehow bug me less as time goes on. I’m more concerned about the other things - being micromanaged, feeling like the process is too slow and full of menial tasks, and the lack of personalities. Those are things that are pretty inherent in the legal field, so if I can’t get over that stuff, I’m going to have a lot of trouble being a lawyer. The good thing is, in a few weeks, I’ll figure out whether I need to stick with this any longer.